So on a random quest for shit to review one day over a month ago I came across this game called Starlight Episode 0. As this game turned out to be a Ren’Py visual novel I pretty much skipped over it as I didn’t quite feel like wasting hours of my life making fun of a Ren’Py visual novel, as Ren’Py visual novels practically make fun of themselves. But before I closed the browser tab an moved on, I was drawn to click on the creators website http://www.adorablerockets.com/ as it sounded similar to a company I used to rep called Pop Rocket who disbanded in 1995. That was a bad mistake as instead of an actual web site I was brought to a terrible anime-esque blog. Though terrible as it may have been, I managed to trek through the crap and find a promo poster for the game. This poster, though pretty cheese in it’s execution, managed to pull off not having a “horribly retarded” aura surrounding it so I said “Fuck it” and I decided to destroy a part of my soul and play this humble literary masterpiece.
So in a random change of scenery, I found myself pulling out and re-playing a lot of the older games that I grew up with. Re-living all my favorite moments in games such as the original Command & Conquer, The Dig, all the Monkey Island games except 4 (hell I would play the rest of the LucasArts franchise in it’s entirety if I hadn’t burnt out on them for the time being), Centurion, the Might & Magic series (not heroes mind you, the original series), Wing Commander, and so on.
Shiawase no Katachi, otherwise known as Figures of Happiness, is a fucking HORRIBLE visual novel. So bad in fact, that I am not going to review this piece of shit.
Wow what can I say. . .I cleared this shit in one night, it was that good, erotic, skillfully written. . .well, it was something alright. . .
This prostitute of a story involves a boy who, like that one episode of Family Guy with Lois’s brother, saw his mom doing the yuletide dance with her crotch using a strangers log of firewood. Apparently this super short, overacted introduction scene is used to create a back story and provide a solid foundation for why the main character (from now on known as Mr.Contraceptive) is such a prick. The main problem that this causes is that it fails to do either successfully. I might as well point out now, that this is the only real story that is given to the reader in the entire game besides the endings.
So as some of you have heard. . .me and anime had a really bad breakup. . .I am not that hurt but anime keeps throwing out new shit every three months like it will appease me. Fuck that bitch! I am off to fuck your dirty underappreciated sister, visual novel!
So yes, give me a bit to move my shit out of her apartment and I will post some new shit eventually. For now how about. . .hmm. . .what shit can I throw up here it entertain you monkeys?
I’m on you like a bad fantasy book that a acquaintance lent you and told you to read even though he is a square and has no taste for the finer things in life, so you threw it in your desk drawer and forgot about it and the friend is to timid to ask for it back or even ask if you read it and eventually you two go different directions in life because that friend and you are two different shapes, squares and circles don’t fit together well, but he is to timid to ask for his book back so you unknowingly keep it and a few years later when throwing out a bunch of old shit in your desk you stumble upon it, but you don’t remember who gave it to you or why you had it and figured it was a shitty gift that you got one Christmas from an aunt or uncle that you hardly see, so you give it to goodwill cause you are bro, but you want to make it seem like you are a nice guy in front of the ladies, though your cheap cologne from the GAP drives home the point that chicks should stay away, and so that book gets the cover ripped off and sits in a pile in a goodwill store in Sacramento until Wal-Mart buys the entire shopping center that it was located in so they could open up a Heartland and they hire all the goodwill employees on as greeters and shopping cart retrievers, so that goodwill closes down and they liquidate everything that they don’t transfer to the Berkley location, luckily the book is spared by accident and thrown into a random box of granny cloths and put into the back of the moving truck. On the way to the Berkley location a friend of the truck driver who was asked to go on the trip to help the truck driver alleviate his boredom during the drive, finds it as he was rummaging though all the boxes to see what he could steal for his family of eight children, (five boys and three girls) as he finds the book a single tear rolls down his left cheek as in reality this guy is another square, the type who shows up to D&D gatherings dressed as a chaotic-neutral wizard or Harry Potter’s lesser known son, Albus Potter, even though this grease ball is 250 pounds 7 ounces and 45 years old and the only cloths he owns is a (now patchy dark grey) plain white Star Trek tee-shirt from the 1972 West Coast Science Fantasy Conference and a pair of mustard stained capris. So this book is the one “Dragon Hero Magic Lance Broadsword Adventure” novel that he has never read, a book he was looking for, for his entire life and so he reads it out loud right then and there while laying on a pile of used, extra husky, XXL chino pants and he blows a load from the sheer amounts of “Dragon Wars” that the book possesses. The red dragon clan fight the black dragon clan and the wizards who control the green dragons want peace but the evil Kalizud, who controls the mystical silver dragons, has other plans. . .so he finishes the book, and after getting home from the trip he calls his boss and quits his job. . .his life, now complete, he kills his family, only leaving little sandy alive so someone is able to tell the world his epic life story, and so, everything accomplished, he grabs his D&D 4th Edition rule book, puts on his Dragon knight cardboard battle armor in which he crafted himself, drinks a bottle of Jolt and some sleeping pills and quietly passes into the next world as “Malock, the Great Barbarian who can also use level 3 fireballs and dragon breath!”
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“Fuck your vorpal sword, I have a gattai sex sequence!” -Dev (On the Viability of Vorpal weapons against Solar Aquarion)
Wow, you know what I can’t hate on? That one conversation that two good friends have when one of the friends is hella troubled and starts acting like a chick. The one friend comes home and the other friend is already there reading a newspaper in the middle of the apartment at the kotatsu and the friend who just came home walks in and falls face first on the bed (it’s a small apartment) and starts talking, and he takes a long time to get to the point, like he is explaining the day up to the point where he got rejected by a girl, and the other friend who was reading the newspaper is hella chill, just listening and reading a newspaper but not really, and they don’t even look at each other and you never see the other friends face because it’s buried in that newspaper.
Wow, you screws are hella quick to already have me listed on your blogs . . .Anyways, to not make this post completely pointless let me mention my up and coming reviews in no real order:
「Sekirei」
“I hear Alphonse Elric is a Sekirei! . . .He is? . . .Really? . . .08 the Sekirei of destiny? WHAT AN AMAZING PLOT!”
This will probably be the last anime I touch in my current list of reviews as I kinda watched this already but I lacked the inclination to type anything the first time though. No worries though as this shit is bad enough that it deserves at least a half assed review on the erectile dysfunction otherwise known as the plot so I will eventually get around to it.
「Nogizaka Haruka no Himitsu」
“Hello, I am the forgotten third girl in a love triangle that never gets developed, thank you for the squeeze, for your information, my breast can also serve as a mouse pad wrist support.”
I was planning on releasing this review next but I fucking hate this show so fine tuning the last portions of the review are proving difficult. . .don’t worry though, it will be completed some time soon so you can all suffer along with me.
「Suzuka」
“Hey, do I look Familiar? . . .Da Capo? . . .nah I wasn’t in that shit. . .”
Super secret random review upcoming! Wait can’t retain excitement! Likely most amazing review! Review next patiently wait you!
So that’s about it for now, I have a few more besides these three in the works, some moderately bad. . .and some that look like they were created by a 10 year old kid with cancer as his gift from the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Keep checkin back if you care, shit is for Real!
Oh man I really don’t want to write about this show. . .I’m not sure if It’s the lack of anything to make fun of or if it’s the dull plot and characters or the flat humor. . .this show, is so cut and dry, it is near impossible to write about. Why you ask? For the simple fact that this show is so half assed it makes me not want to even try. I have seen some terrible shows, but this one is horrible, and it happens to be by the same director of another shitty show I recently watched, “Akane-Iro no Somaru Saka.” As well as being a generically shitty show, I am biased against Yumeria because they stole Nekoko from my favorite Visual Novel, and destroyed her image, and without using drugs, which I find completely unacceptable.
So as this is my first entry I should probably talk about my unorthodox writing style (beyond abusing the ellipsis), something that will surly come to annoy you (the reader) as time goes on. First a quick introduction . . .I am Dev, I you are reading this shit hole of a blog then you probably know that already, if not then let me explain who am and why this relates at all to what this blog is about . . .I am person of limited intelligence who is, by all accounts, mentally unstable (no not in that “I’m 14 and I want to stand out from my peers” kind of way, but in the “I wear my socks inside out and I have to greet the moon before going inside a building at night” kind of way) Now you may be wondering at this point “what the fuck does this have to do with you. . .writing whatever it is you are going to be writing about?” Well my good anonymous adolescents, let me get back on track. I have a bad habit of watching horrible anime . . .such a bad habit that it actually impedes with my watching anything of quality. This particular habit has caused me to blatantly type out essays during my viewing over Internet messengers to someone who would actually read the bullshit I spew out of my mouth to both relieve my irritation and to share the horrible experience with that someone so I am not alone in this hell. What lies here, on this blog, are the recounted messages that I have typed out, reformatted and most likely cleaned up for people like you to read and possibly laugh at (if not then fuck you, my humor is to good for you, go back to Gaia Online) So in essence what you are getting is a word for word recount of the anime in question “reviewed” as I watch it. This is a key point to note, as unlike other reviews that give you a generic summary after watching an anime to completion, I type this shit out in real time, so you can feel the hate, the tears, the laughter, the joy, of every moment just as I lived though it . . .also I should note that because it’s written this way, sometimes I might be brief or make no fucking sense . . .if you don’t get the references or the humor, then you are not trying hard enough.
Well I guess that’s about it, I look forward to wasting your time, lets get this shit started. . .
There comes a time in every mans life where the world upends itself and that which was thought to be good becomes inherently bad.
Once a man surpasses that stage he realizes that he has become a man unsatisfied with the mediums presented to him, unable to be appeased by that which once served to appease him.
Then, I so humbly ask. . .if a man first accepts all as good, all as quality, only to come to hate that what was once good and quality, leaving him with nothing to satisfy his insatiable desires. . .
. . .Actually what the fuck am I talking about, you people are just not trying hard enough to sedate my desires. . .
Work harder my peons, live to please and die to serve. . .
